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					  <title><![CDATA[Questions to Ask Before Getting Married]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/797/Questions-to-Ask-Before-Getting-Married.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Before you walk down the aisle, ask the questions that really matter. Dr. Robin Smith shares 25 questions from her book, Lies at the Altar 

Let's acknowledge that we live in an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the &#34;right&#34; professional identity. How often have you heard people brag (or maybe you've bragged yourself) about a partner, saying, &#34;He's a doctor&#34; or &#34;She's a model,&#34; as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship. Unfortunately, you don't hear people bragging, &#34;He's a kindergarten teacher&#34; or &#34;She's an administrative assistant at a not-for-profit organization in the Bronx.&#34; This is part of the problem. When we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values. These are the questions you really want answered:
Work Questions


Are you working in your chosen profession? 

How many hours a week do you work? 

What is your dream job? 

What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working? 

What does your job entail? (For example: Do you often travel for business, work at home or perform dangerous tasks?) 
Money is a loaded topic. Many couples stop talking at the point of &#34;how much,&#34; assuming the rest will take care of itself. But questions about money will infuse themselves into every area of your life and show up on a daily basis. These are a few questions you should ask:
Money Questions


What is your annual income? 

Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? 

Do you have significant debts? 

Do you believe in establishing a family budget? 

How important is it for you to make a lot of money? 
Men and women have different issues with owning their sexuality. For men, it is denying the significance of sex and not seeing the sacredness in the act. For women, it is more often ignorance and shame, not giving themselves permission to know what they need and then matching it with their behavior. In a conversation about your sexual expectations and fears, be sure to respect each other's boundaries. Your goal in asking these questions is not to pry into every detail of sexual history, but to open a conversation about the most intimate aspect of your relationship.
Sex Questions


What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! 

Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why? 

What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex? 

How often do you need or expect sex? 

Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage? 
Although Lies at the Altar is about marriage and intimate relationships, having children is also for grown-ups, and there are all too many &#34;adult&#34; couples bringing children into marriages where the foundation is shaky on a good day. Being a mature adult involves recognizing that much of what you re-create in your marriage and as parents has to do with unresolved issues with your own parents and family. If you are married and don't have children, give them and yourself the gift of building a strong foundation before subjecting them to the chaos of parents who haven't shown up and haven't grown up.
Parenthood Questions


Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children? 

Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation? 

How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family? 

Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)? 

Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior? 
Religion cannot be reduced to affiliation. That's especially true today, when religion has become complicated for people. Dr. Robin has friends who chose not to be actively involved in a formal religion. However, she was raised as a Catholic, and he was Jewish, and these strong historical and familial influences constantly showed up as surprise guests in their lives. They thought they had rejected the religious affiliations of their parents, but when they became parents themselves, they found themselves automatically being drawn back. Naturally, this created a serious conflict about which religious influence would dominate their child's life. Because these were not dogmatic people, they eventually found a way to give their child the gift of a mixed religious heritage, but not every couple will find that possible. So when you're having a conversation about religion, open it up beyond affiliation, and find out what religion means to each of you.
Religion Questions


Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you? 

Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life? 

Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner? 

How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs? 

How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion? 
Related Resources:
Excerpted from Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin L. Smith. Copyright &#169; 2006 Dr. Robin L. Smith. All rights reserved. Published by Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold.Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Rogger Miller</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Is Your Sex Life Normal?]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/796/Is-Your-Sex-Life-Normal.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Psychotherapist Rachel Morris, sex journalist Sarah Hedley and general practitioner Sarah Humphery are the sex editors of the UK edition of Cosmopolitan. Dr. Lana Holstein is a sex expert and oversees programs addressing intimacy and sexuality issues at the Miraval Resort in Arizona. They have the answers to some very intimate questions.
He Wants MoreQuestion: My wife and I have been married two years. We have sex about once a week. She says I'm not romantic and that she sometimes has sex out of obligation. She also says that if I would help out around the house she'd be more into having sex. But I don't see the relationship between housework and sex. I worry she no longer finds me attractive and that maybe we were meant to be just friends. Is it normal for me to expect to have sex every day with my wife?
Answer: Mismatched sex drive is one of the most common problems with couples, says general practitioner Sarah Humphery. &#34;It's interesting you say that you don't understand how getting more involved in the housework is going to help,&#34; Humphery says. &#34;She's going to be less tired, she's going to be preoccupied, she's going to feel less like a sort of housewife &#8212;&#160;you've got to make her feel sexy.&#34; For the woman, Humphery says sometimes, she will have to do it out of obligation. Men &#8212;&#160;more often than women &#8212;&#160;are aware of their bodies, whereas women &#8212;&#160;&#34;we don't have that connection to 'down below.'&#34;
She Wants MoreQuestion: My husband and I are newlyweds and I can't keep my hands off him. I initiate sex 85 percent of the time. He usually says &#34;no&#34; because he is tired. Am I being selfish because I want sex more often? Is it normal for the woman to be the initiator most of the time?
Answer: Psychotherapist Rachel Morris says the first question to ask yourself is whether there are any other times &#8212;&#160;apart from when you're having sex &#8212;&#160;where he gives you his &#34;entire, full, unadulterated attention.&#34; &#34;If the answer is no,&#34; Morris says, &#34;it may be that you're confusing the desire to have sex with the desire to have him all to yourself &#8212;&#160;the reassurance that you're still loved. Intimacy and sex aren't necessarily the same things. So pushing him to have sex, when really what you want is intimacy, probably means that you're getting neither.A Celibate MarriageQuestion: In the last two years, my husband and I have had sex once. We've been married 14 years, run a business together and have a daughter. I'm only 38 years old &#8212;&#160;it's not that I don't have a high sex drive. We just don't know how to get back to being sexual together. Is it normal to have a marriage that becomes more like a brother and sister relationship?
Answer: Dr. Lana Holstein says most couples do need a sexual tune-up. Many times &#34;it just fades a little bit &#8212;&#160;they're paying attention to their finances or to their kids &#8212;&#160;but they forget that they could pay attention to their sexual connection. &#34;
She says although many people believe in &#34;spontaneity,&#34; couples should really treat sex and relationships like a business. &#34;I call it 'The Good Sex Division.' It needs everything a new division of the company would need.&#34; Couples should set a mission statement that includes goals, capital &#8212;&#160;a statement of a perfect sex life.
Dr. Holstein also recommends setting a regular time for sex. &#34;It's the only way. Our lives are so busy &#8212;&#160;you won't get to it often.&#34; For a deep, soulful connection, Dr. Holstein suggests the woman sit on the man's lap, face-to-face, and gaze into each others eyes. &#34;When you sit together, you hold hands, you look into one another's eyes, you remind yourself, 'Why am I with this person?' All of a sudden it starts to change.&#34;Thanks to : Penis Stretcher]]></description>
					  <author>Richard Luong</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Wives Who Don&#39;t Want Sex]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/795/Wives-Who-Dont-Want-Sex.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
&#34;Sexuality is such a central part of who we are, emotionally and spiritually, and when that's shut off, it shuts off part of our spirit as well.&#34; &#8212;&#160;Dr. Laura Berman 
Jennifer Berman, MD, and her sister, Laura Berman, PhD, are leading experts in the field of female sexual medicine. They opened one of the first centers devoted to this field at UCLA and have written a book, For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life. They believe that with the right combination of medical and psychological treatment, women's sex lives can change dramatically.
Identifying Sexual Dysfunction For many years, according to Jennifer, sexual dysfunction has been a silent epidemic, leaving many women feeling alone in their misery. How do you know if you're suffering from sexual dysfunction? Jennifer and Laura offer these signs:


Your sex life is causing you personal distress. 

Your sex life is affecting your quality of life, your well-being or your relationship. 

You're not responding to sex the way you used to. 
Types of Female Sexual Dysfunction A panel of medical experts, including Jennifer Berman, identified the following types of female sexual dysfunction:


No desire: Lack of desire that causes personal distress, lack of fantasies or sexual thoughts, or lack of interest in sexual activities. This may be a result of taking certain medications, emotional factors or menopause.

Sexual arousal disorder: Inability to maintain adequate arousal. Possible causes include psychological factors like depression, or medical reasons, such as diminished blood flow.

Lack of orgasm: Difficulty or inability to reach orgasm after stimulation and arousal. This also includes delay in reaching orgasm or diminished quality of orgasm. Emotional trauma or sexual abuse can cause this dysfunction, as well as medical factors, including medication or damage to pelvic nerves during surgery.

Sexual pain: Recurrent or consistent genital pain associated with sexual intercourse. Causes include medical problems like infections or surgical procedures. Psychological issues, relationship problems or emotional conflicts can also be part of the cause. Most often, a combination of physiological and psychological factors leads to this form of dysfunction. 
Both doctors note that sexual dysfunction is usually a combination of physical problems as well as psychological problems.Other Sexual Function Issues
Testosterone: Women need both estrogen and testosterone for a healthy sex life. While estrogen is primarily responsible for lubrication and blood flow, testosterone is the hormone for desire, as well as emotional well-being and energy levels.
Low testosterone levels lead to loss of libido, but also to feeling tired, depressed or unable to sleep. Women's testosterone levels tend to drop after giving birth, most often after the second child.Anti-depressants: Jennifer explains that often women become depressed about their lack of sexual response, so they're put on anti-depressants, which can make things worse. Fortunately, there are new anti-depressants that help with depression without decreasing sex drive. In some cases, they even improve sex drive.
Medical Procedures: Pelvic surgery or trauma, and particularly hysterectomy, can cause loss of libido and arousal problems. While much is known about the nerves in the male pelvic region, the female's is more of a mystery. This makes it difficult for surgeons to avoid those important nerves.
In the past, when women were recovering from pelvic surgery, the only questions asked were, is it possible to have sex, and does it hurt? Issues of lubrication, orgasms and pelvic contractions were often not a consideration. Jennifer says that as more women enter surgical specialties, closer attention is being paid to these issues.
Treatment: Testosterone cream has helped women with low libido or sensation problems, but it is not necessarily the answer. It is not FDA approved for use by women and needs to be prescribed and used with a doctor's supervision. There are also side effects to be aware of, including weight gain, oily skin, hair growth, an enlarged clitoris or liver damage.
The Eros CTD (clitoral therapy device) enhances blood flow to the genital area, primarily the clitoris, through suction. The user controls the intensity and frequency of the suction. It is an FDA approved medical device that must be prescribed by a doctor.
If you are considering any kind of treatment, remember to always consult with your doctor to come up with the best plan for you.ResourcesTo learn more about female sexual dysfunction and how it relates to you,read the Bermans' book For Women OnlyCall the Female Sexual Medicine Center at UCLA at 310-825-0025 or 800-UCLA-MD1 (800-825-2631).
&#160;
More Articles on Oprah.com: 


Five things you should know about the female orgasm 

What your mother never told you about sex 

Is your sex life normal? Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Peter Hill</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Keep Your Sex Life Alive Post-Kids]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/794/Keep-Your-Sex-Life-Alive-Post-Kids.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Julia (not her real name) was no stranger to motherhood -- her first child was 14 months old when her second was born -- so she wasn&#8217;t expecting any real surprises when it came to her sex life. It would subside for a while, she figured, then gradually get back on track.
Instead, Julia discovered a strange arithmetic followed the arrival of baby No. 2: Fatigue, stress, and general chaos somehow increased by a factor of 10. Was the rumor she&#8217;d heard true? Do kids obliterate their parents' sex life forever?
No doubt about it: Where parents of one child outnumber their offspring, a second baby shifts the whole dynamic. &#34;The balance changes,&#34; says family therapist Carleton Kendrick. Or, as Julia puts it, &#34;The couple should be the pillar of the house. Instead the house becomes a giant toy room.&#34;
Usually, by the time a second child arrives, the first is old enough to be somewhat independent -- and a handful. Nursing the new baby is hard enough, but add a kid in the &#34;terrible twos&#34; and the workload more than doubles. Meanwhile, the consequences are real: On average, parents with kids spend just 20 minutes a week being intimate, according to Anne Semans and Cathy Winks, co-authors of The Mother&#8217;s Guide to Sex.
According to Kendrick, the solution is in seeing these issues as opportunities for a new kind of intimacy: &#34;In my experience, sex is actually better for couples with kids, after a little work.&#34;
Tips for Keeping Your Sex Life Alive
Redefine. &#34;Make sex mean slow kisses in the morning,&#34; says Kendrick. &#34;For husbands, this might be a few minutes of stroking your wife's hair. You start reconnecting in this new way, and then the other ways aren&#8217;t such a leap.&#34;
Reconnect. &#34;Don&#8217;t talk about the kids all the time,&#34; Julia says. &#34;It&#8217;s tempting, but you have to avoid it. Talk about whatever it is you used to talk about together. Keep those conversations alive.&#34;
Get creative. Babysitters can take kids on l-o-n-g walks around the block, Kendrick notes. In general a couple would do well to revisit adolescence: &#34;Get in the car, park somewhere. Or run off into the woods for an hour. I don&#8217;t mind saying that that worked rather well in my own life.&#34;
Be spontaneous. Rediscover the living room. Julia and her husband often exported their sex life to the couch, she says.
Be realistic. Finally, don&#8217;t be afraid to declare a hiatus from sex; your body may insist. Removing that stressful question mark from the bedroom, experts note, is a positive first step toward harmonious evenings down the road.
Julia agrees that her sex life ultimately experienced a rebirth, so to speak. In some ways, motherhood actually made her a better and happier lover. &#34;I'm more in touch with different parts of my body,&#34; she says. The evidence seems to support this assertion: Last year she gave birth to her fourth child.
Originally published in the September/October 2007 issue of WebMD the MagazineThanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Michelle Ryan</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Why People Have Sex: 237 Reasons]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/793/Why-People-Have-Sex-237-Reasons.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Why do people have sex? A new study counts the ways and comes up with 237 reasons.
The reasons range from the sublime to the scandalous. Some motivations came from the heart. Others came from elsewhere in the anatomy.
The leading reason for sex was, &#34;I was attracted to the person,&#34; according to the study, which appears in the August issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
The study comes from Cindy Meston, PhD, and David Buss, PhD, of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin.
First, they asked 203 men and 241 women aged 17-52 in Austin, Texas,&#160;to anonymously list every reason they had ever had sex. Those men and women were taking psychology classes or were participating in other studies at the Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory of the University of Texas.
All in all, participants listed 715 reasons for having sex. The researchers deleted repetitions, boiling the list down to 237 reasons.
Next, Meston and Buss presented the list to 1,549 psychology students and asked them to rate how often, if ever, they had had sex for each of the 237 reasons.
&#160;
9 Leading Reasons for Having Sex
The researchers identified nine broad themes that characterize the students' top reasons for having sex:


Pure attraction to the other person in general 

Experiencing physical pleasure 

Expressing love 

Having sex because of feeling desired by the other 

Having sex to escalate the depth of the relationship 

Curiosity or seeking new experiences 

Marking a special occasion for celebration 

Mere opportunity 

Sex just happening due to seemingly uncontrollable circumstances 
The study also highlights five general themes that were least frequently cited by the students.
Those themes included wanting to harm another person (their partner, rival, or a stranger), getting resources (such as a job, money, drugs, or gifts), enhancing social status, using sex as a means to a seemingly unrelated end (such as relieving a headache), or having sex out of duty or pressure.
Top 10 Reasons Why Women Have Sex
The researchers broke down the leading reasons why men and women have sex. Eight of the top 10 reasons were shared by men and women.
Here are women's top 10 reasons for having sex:


I was attracted to the person. 

I wanted to experience the physical pleasure. 

It feels good. 

I wanted to show my affection to the person. 

I wanted to express my love for the person. 

I was sexually aroused and wanted the release. 

I was &#34;horny.&#34; 

It's fun. 

I realized I was in love. 

I was &#34;in the heat of the moment.&#34; 
&#160;
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Have Sex
In the study, men's top 10 reasons for having sex are quite similar to the women's list. Here are men's top 10 reasons for having sex, according to the study:


I was attracted to the person. 

It feels good. 

I wanted to experience the physical pleasure. 

It's fun. 

I wanted to show my affection to the person. 

I was sexually aroused and wanted the release. 

I was &#34;horny.&#34; 

I wanted to express my love for the person. 

I wanted to achieve an orgasm. 

I wanted to please my partner. Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Linda Lewis</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[10 Secrets to a Better Love Life]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/792/10-Secrets-to-a-Better-Love-Life.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Most of us&#160;can remember the hot -- and frequent -- spicy moments when the romance was new with our partner. But eventually the fire of a&#160;good love life may die down. Over time, the sexy nightie languishes hidden in the sock drawer, the massage oil gathers dust next to the athlete's foot powder in the medicine cabinet, and you and your partner have what feels like a humdrum sexual life.
So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, and Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a board certified sex therapist and resident expert for WebMD's &#34;Sex Matters&#174;&#34; message boards.
Make Dates
Castleman and Weston are in firm agreement that couples that have been together for a while need to plan time for sex.
&#34;Make a date for sex,&#34; says Castleman, a health journalist who previously answered questions about sexuality submitted to the Playboy advisor. &#34;Don't let it be an afterthought,&#34; he tells WebMD. &#34;Do whatever you like to do beforehand, go to a movie or dinner, take a walk, have a glass of wine by candlelight, whatever the couple likes to do as a couple. But set aside that time.&#34;
But, you might cry, isn't scheduling unromantic? Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all.
But Castleman has a blunt response. &#34;Grow up,&#34; he says. &#34;What's the problem with making a date for sex? People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out.&#34;
Weston agrees. &#34;I think most people, especially couples with kids, have to plan ahead because they already have so much jammed into their schedules,&#34; she says. &#34;Sure there are times when things spontaneously fall together, but those are happy accidents.&#34;
Get Out of the House
One good suggestion for a better love life is to take regular nights away from home.
&#34;For couples that have been together for a while, sex can become routine,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;You're worn out by the end of the day, after the job, the laundry, the kids' soccer games, and the errands.
&#34;And instead of champagne and oysters on the half shell with a sweeping view of Lake Tahoe as your reward, you've got your same old crummy house and peanut butter and jelly and that's about it,&#34; he says. It's not exactly conducive to an exciting sex life.
It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Your mind wanders. Did I remember to set the alarm clock? How much will it cost to repair that water damage on the ceiling?
&#34;Lovemaking is, fundamentally, a present moment experience,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;The best sex comes when you're not thinking about the past or the future, but only the present. And that can be hard in a room where you've always got grandma's picture smiling down on you.&#34;
Castleman recommends getting away to a place that is stripped of these reminders of everyday life. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine.
Redecorate the Bedroom
Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels and overnight babysitters may be a problem if you're not fabulously wealthy, childless, and unemployed. So in addition to some trips away, make some changes at home.
&#34;The bedroom does build up a lot of mundane associations,&#34; says Weston. &#34;But if you can do anything to transform your bedroom into something new and different, that can make a big difference.&#34;
And a better love life doesn't require installing a revolving bed or ceiling mirrors. &#34;You don't need to do something that will freak out the kids or the housekeeper,&#34; says Weston.
Lighting some candles is an obvious suggestion. But maybe getting a nicer set of sheets and a new bedspread will make a difference. Also, removing some of the junk -- the kids' toys, the piles of laundry -- that tends to accumulate in a bedroom out can have an effect. Think about ditching the bedroom TV, too, or at least trying life without it for a while.
Figure Out What You Really Want
Everyone's got sexual fantasies of one sort or another. But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight and say, &#34;What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?&#34; or &#34;What do you want to change about how we have sex?&#34; do you know what you'd say?
If you're not sure, you're not alone. &#34;Some people have to do a little work at figuring out what really arouses them,&#34; says Weston. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life.
So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: books, magazines, videos, and so on. Once you've come up with some ideas, telling your partner about them could be fun for both of you.
Find Out What Your Partner Wants
And then there's the flip side: You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life?
According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common complaints they hear is that one partner wants to have sex more than the other.
Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask. So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another, and that's likely to make sex more interesting for both of you.
Try Something New
Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following.
&#34;For a lot of couples, the longer they're together, the more they play it safe sexually,&#34; says Weston. &#34;You think it would go the other way, that as people get more comfortable in a relationship they feel more secure to try new things. But that's not the case.&#34;
Castleman agrees. &#34;People resist change, especially intimate change,&#34; he says. &#34;If you're in an established relationship, you may feel like you have more to lose. You don't want to rock the boat.&#34;
But both Castleman and Weston recommend resisting the impulse to play it safe. This can mean all sorts of things -- maybe lingerie, massage, sex toys and so on -- and trying something new doesn't have to be outrageous.
&#34;People have a lot of crazy notions about what a sexual fantasy should be,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;They think it must mean S&#38;M or sex on a Ferris wheel. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new.&#34;
Weston agrees. &#34;One small change that can have a big effect is to interrupt the pattern to how you usually have sex,&#34; says Weston. &#34;If you're usually the shy one who waits for the other person to begin things, try starting it yourself. Just take a risk, even if it's a little one.&#34;
Don't Ignore Sexual Problems
Sexual problems are a much more open secret now than they once were. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies and late night comics, there aren't many people left in the country who aren't aware of medications for erectile dysfunction.
Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it.&#34;People who have sexual problems do often shy away from sexuality because they don't want to face failure,&#34; says Weston. &#34;But these problems need to be addressed head on.&#34;Erectile dysfunction has received the most attention, but there are plenty of other issues too, such as premature ejaculation, a loss of libido, or difficulty reaching orgasm caused by medications or medical conditions
Weston reports that women are coming forward in larger numbers and reporting sexual problems too, such as pain during intercourse or an inability to orgasm. According to Castleman, many women complain about vaginal dryness during sex, which can be painful.
&#34;Lubrication is important,&#34; says Weston. &#34;Because in terms of how aroused a person is, lubrication for a woman is the equivalent of an erection for a man.&#34;
Some sexual problems may need medical attention, while others can be solved by trying different sexual techniques or buying a $5 bottle of lubricant. But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse. Don't settle for a mediocre sex life.
And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive.
Go Slowly
Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become.
Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one. No more meandering. The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.
But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says.
&#34;The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality -- leisurely, playful, creative,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;It has no real direction, a little of this, a little of that.&#34;
Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too fast, something that's encouraged by the down-and-dirty efficiency of sex in pornography. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.
&#34;Leisurely love-making benefits everyone,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed. Everybody wins.&#34;
Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing
According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common questions they get is, &#34;How much should we be doing it?&#34; The question implies that the answer is obvious: more than I am now.
Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing continued...
Feeling like you &#34;should&#34; be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter (or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, &#34;10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.&#34;)
Castleman observes that the culture we live in -- and especially its films, whether Hollywood romances or pornography -- encourages us to think that we're not living up.
So how often &#34;should&#34; you have sex? &#34;There's no answer to that,&#34; says Weston. &#34;Stop trying to decide how much sex you should have and decide how much you want.&#34;
Keep Trying
Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this: for many people, life is an unremitting guerilla war with those extra 10 pounds that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a &#34;blah&#34; love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting.
You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure.
But the important thing is to keep trying anyway. Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life.
So there they are: the 10 secrets to a better love life. But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in America who will smack her forehead and say, &#34;Golly, and all this time I thought not communicating was the right idea!&#34;
Admittedly, these suggestions are not secrets. Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of Stonehenge or the fate of Amelia Earhart. We've read the magazines, and watched the daytime talk shows. Many of us know what we're supposed to do to have a better love life.
But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know? Ultimately, our good intentions fail and we lapse back into lazy habits. We let the other stuff in life take over.
So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Just keep trying. Making a consistent effort is the key.
&#34;If someone says that they don't have time or energy for a good sex life, then they can't expect to have a good sex life,&#34; says Castleman. &#34;It's that simple.&#34;Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Rogger Miller</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Signs of a Codependent Relationship]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/791/Signs-of-a-Codependent-Relationship.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
She knows it's not right. Once again, Carol (not her real name) has lent money to her son -- this time to get his car fixed. This son is 35 and still living in the family room, where he's coasted since high school. Carol feels guilty giving him money, but what can she do? He needs to get his car fixed. He needs to look for work.
It's a common scenario in today's world. It's also an example of a codependent relationship.
Family secrets. Guilt. Shame. Repressed anger. Low self-esteem. Compromising your own values to avoid another person's rejection or anger. Those are just a few red flags of codependence.&#160;
Indeed, codependence is a term once linked only to alcoholism or drug addiction. &#34;Codependent meant the person who enabled the alcoholic,&#34; says Avrum Geurin Weiss, PhD, director the Pine River Psychotherapy Training Institute in Atlanta. &#34;The classic situation is the husband gets drunk, can't go in to work, so the wife calls the boss and says he won't be in today.&#34;
Today's psychologists have a broader definition. &#34;It really is about unhealthy emotional dependencies,&#34; says Carol Cannon, MA, a counselor and program director at The Bridge to Recovery in Bowling Green, Ky.
In some sense, all relationships are codependent, Cannon tells WebMD. &#34;Many people have what I call a 'low-grade infection.&#8217; It's always there, but they've been able to adapt to it, work around it. Others have the more aggressive form -- they get more and more depressed, develop addictions and relationship problems. They become self-destructive or unduly self-sacrificing. They end up anxious, depressed, and suicidal.&#34;&#160;
People often get addicted to hope: The hope that the person will change, adds Jeanne McKeon, EdD, a psychologist at the Center for Addictive Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. &#34;Before anything can change, you first have to deal with that addiction to hope. You have to start setting limits. You have to figure out a plan to change things; one that makes sense. Then move through those steps -- not allowing any backpedaling.&#34;
Origins in Childhood
Childhood is the breeding ground for a vulnerability to codependency. It is typically triggered by an underlying problem in the family -- a parent with an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or the &#34;clean addictions&#34; like work, food, religion, gambling, computer games, Cannon explains.
&#34;Even misery can be an addiction,&#34; she adds. &#34;People get hooked on their own unhappiness, the victim mentality. They learn to get attention by getting people to feel sorry for them.&#34;
Mental illness (like depression), abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional), a chronic illness in the family, divorce -- they also set the stage for codependency.
Whatever the scenario is, no one talks about it -- that's the unhealthy crux of the problem. &#34;It's a family secret, and it leaves children with powerful feelings that they learn to repress,&#34; says Michael McKee, PhD, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic. &#34;They learn that it's no use expressing them, because nothing will happen. Everyone is focused on the person with the illness.&#34;
Under this veil of secrecy and repressed emotions, the child grows up feeling neglected -- emotionally abandoned by the parent, McKee tells WebMD. They don't develop healthy self-esteem and coping skills and have difficulty getting in touch with their own emotions.
&#34;You learn not to trust other people or yourself. You look for fulfillment in pleasing other people, but that never really works -- because you don't feel you deserve the approval,&#34; he explains.
As an adult, a codependent person has no sense of self, Weiss tells WebMD. &#34;Their whole life is spent in wildly swinging arcs to meet others' expectations. If you're nice to me, I'm a good person. If you look at me funny, I'm a bad person. I don't know who I am. I am incredibly dependent on other people to tell me who I am.&#34;
It's a case of arrested development -- a combination of immature thinking, dealing, and behaving that generates self-loathing, Cannon says. &#34;That self-loathing is acted out through self-destructive or unduly self-sacrificial behavior in adult years.&#34;
To anesthetize the emotional pain, codependent adults &#160;try whatever makes them feel better -- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling. They become addicted to relationships and will do anything to hold onto them, fearing the emotional abandonment that happened during childhood. They put aside what they want to please the other person, remaining in harmful situations far too long.
In choosing a partner, they gravitate toward what is most familiar -- a dysfunctional mate. &#34;We all seek the relationship pattern that we're familiar with, however unhappy it might make us,&#34; Cannon explains. &#34;That's why women who leave an abusive relationship gets into a few more, or why someone who was abused as a child gets into an abusive relationship.&#34;
Typically, the label of codependent is applied to women -- often unfairly, Weiss notes. &#34;Women are inherently relationship-oriented,&#34; he tells WebMD. &#34;They want to keep things going smoothly for everybody. And in our society, they are put in the caretaking role, whether they want it or not.&#34;
The selfless caretaker -- if she was raised in a dysfunctional family -- is indeed vulnerable to becoming codependent, despite her good intentions. &#34;It's great to be kind, considerate, empathic, humanitarian, to be of service,&#34; says McKee. &#34;What's bad is having to please in order to feel whole as a person. When you have low self-esteem, you think it's not right to take care of yourself -- or to be assertive. Finding your identity in being a rescuer or martyr is not healthy.&#34;
A selfless stay-at-home mom is not codependent, Weiss adds. &#34;But if she's in a relationship where things always go his way, and there's the subtle message that his view of the world is more dominant, that's a problem. If his needs are being tended to and hers are not, it's not healthy.&#34;
Indeed, a power imbalance in any relationship makes codependency likely, McKee notes.
&#34;Luckily times are changing, and women have more opportunities. But there are still the lingering dynamics that cause power imbalances at home and in the workplace. There will be one person who is vulnerable to abuse -- commonly emotional or physical abuse. And they put up with it because they don't feel they deserve any better.&#34;
Red Flags
Red Flag No. 1: Do you become obsessed with fixing and rescuing needy people? 
&#34;Codependents are more oriented to other people&#8217;s reality than their own,&#34; Cannon explains. &#34;They can tell you what everybody else is feeling or needing but have no earthly idea what they want or need. They are the finder, fixer, and Mother Theresa. That is how they see themselves, and where they get their ego fix.&#34;
A person's motive for &#34;doing good&#34; indicates whether they are codependent or not, says Cannon. &#34;Are you literally giving for fun and for free -- or to get some kind of payoff?&#34; she asks. &#34;If you're codependent, you're trying to be someone's savior to make yourself feel good. You give to them with an expectation of return. After all I've done for you, I get to tell you what to do with your life.&#34;
Red Flag No. 2: Are you easily absorbed in the pain and problems of other people? 
&#34;Codependent people can be obsessed with the pain and suffering of the other person,&#34; Cannon tells WebMD. &#34;That allows them to sacrifice themselves. It's really learned self-defeating behavior.&#34;
It's why women in helping professions burn out, McKee adds. &#34;They get super absorbed in the pain of others. They have trouble setting limits in taking in that pain. Some empathy is wonderful. But when you can feel the pain more than the person in pain feels it, it hurts you.&#34;
Red Flag No. 3: Are you trying to control someone? Is someone trying to control you? 
Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends on having the other person right there -- right now. Not letting you hang out with friends, calling frequently to check up on you, having to be with you all the time -- these are controlling behaviors, says McKee.
&#34;If you get close to someone else, it's very threatening to them,&#34; he explains. &#34;They're calling you all the time when you're away: Do you still love me? Are you still there for me? It's a very unhappy way to live.&#34;
Red Flag No. 4: Do you do more than your share -- all of the time? 
What's the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic? &#34;Motive and consequences,&#34; says Cannon. &#34;In those gray areas of addiction -- workaholism, housecleaning, perfectionism, religion, computer games -- those are the telling signs. Is your family suffering because of what you're doing? Are you suffering?&#34;
&#34;Many codependent people were the favorite child because they did more -- took care of the sick parent, got straight A's, cleaned the house,&#34; McKee adds. &#34;Now, they feel like a martyr, victimized by doing it all. The martyr has a sense of gratification, but it's not a soul-satisfying gratification.&#34;
Red Flag No. 5: Are you always seeking approval and recognition? 
Low-self esteem is a mark of codependence. &#34;Shame is the core of the whole thing. Neglected children view themselves as dumb, stupid, worthless, and defective,&#34; says Cannon. &#34;It's ingrained into the fabric of their character. It's because the message they got as children was -- I don&#8217;t matter. I'm not important. I'm not worth taking care of.&#34;
As an adult, a codependent person judges themselves harshly, says McKee. &#34;When they get recognition, they are embarrassed. They have difficulty asking others to meet their needs. They don't believe they are worthwhile or lovable.&#34;
There is no strong sense of self, McKee tells WebMD. &#34;Ask them who they are, and men will give their job title. Women will say I'm a wife, partner, daughter, mother -- they define themselves in terms of relationships. A healthy person would say, 'I'm an independent and adventurous person.' There's nothing wrong with being proud of your job or relationships, but a healthy person should be able to identify characteristics beyond that.&#34;
Red Flag No. 6: Would you do anything to hold on to a relationship? Do you fear being abandoned? 
During childhood, the codependent person felt abandoned by a parent, so they learn to fear it, McKee explains. &#34;They are not really good at bonding. They don't know how to bond in a constructive way that has a healthy dependency between two independent people. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion, so bonding never quite works.&#34;
People who put up with abuse &#34;are usually bright, attractive, intelligent women,&#34; he tells WebMD. &#34;The abuse ranges from emotional to sexual and physical abuse. Why do they go back? Because they feel so terrible about themselves... that nobody else would want them.&#34;
Pulling Out of a Codependent Relationship
Like any problem, you need to understand what's at the root, says David A Baron, MSEd, DO, chairman of psychiatry at Temple University Health System.
&#34;Often the enabler feels guilty about the situation, Baron tells WebMD. &#34;They care about the other individual in the relationship; [they] know there is a good side to this person. They're hoping against hope that they can go back to the good times -- even when it's blatantly obvious nothing will change.&#34;
At some point, they have to wake up and smell the coffee, he says. &#34;They have to get beyond their emotions and look at the history of behavior. This has been a pattern. When you can get past the emotions and examine facts, write them down. Do a little timeline or a score card of bad behavior.&#34;
Getting in touch with your anger is critical to recovery, says McKeon. &#34;Guilt is vague and inactive and tends to paralyze you. It is the opposite of anger -- and in reality, you are really very angry. You may be angry about old issues from your childhood. Anger will demand a response. Anger will make you active.&#34;
Getting professional counseling from a mental health worker, psychologist, or family physician&#160; can give you the strength to break away from a codependent relationship, Baron says. Twelve-step programs also help and are free.
&#34;Group therapy often works well,&#34; says McKee. &#34;You meet people who can be your Indian guides; who model healthy behaviors for you, who point out what you're doing. It can be more acceptable coming from them than from an authority figure because they've been there.&#34;
Short-term family therapy is also effective, McKeon adds. &#34;You don't have to get into years of analysis. You're looking at the family, how it's affecting everybody, what the game plan should be. Getting everybody together equalizes things so no one feels blamed.&#34;Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Richard Luong</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Get Closer to Your Mate]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/790/Get-Closer-to-Your-Mate.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Whether you're nurturing a budding romance or you've been married since the first lunar landing, you can have a more committed, loving, and fulfilling relationship -- if you're willing to do a little work. Not sure where to start? WebMD consulted with top relationship experts to bring you this set of intimacy-building tips.
Listen, With the TV Off
All of our experts agree on this point -- listening, truly listening, can reduce conflict, boost trust, and lead to a more satisfying partnership. Listening may sound simple, but it requires more than being in the same room while your better half is speaking. Signal that you care by turning off the television, offering your undivided attention and making eye contact. And don't forget to follow up on what you hear.
This is particularly important when your partner is upset. If you listen carefully, you are more likely to understand the problem and find a way to help. This can take practice, according to Steve Brody, PhD, author of Renew Your Marriage at Midlife. &#34;Practice listening in less-loaded relationships, like with customers at work or friends on the phone,&#34; Brody suggests. &#34;After building up listening muscle in those less-challenging relationships, the weight of your partner becoming unglued won't be as overwhelming.&#34;
Focus on the Relationship Positives
&#34;When you first meet someone, you pay attention to all the things you like,&#34; says Kate Wachs, PhD, a Chicago psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. &#34;As time goes on, you start to take that for granted and instead you focus on what bothers you. If the relationship becomes more negative than positive, you break up.&#34;
The solution is to make a conscious effort to focus on the things you like about your partner. &#34;Your partner has many good qualities, as well as things that drive you crazy,&#34; Brody says. &#34;Look for [the positives] and drink those in. Jot them down to remember them.&#34;
Stop Nagging
Nagging not only creates tension, it usually gets you nowhere. &#34;If you're nagging, your partner will tune you out,&#34; Wachs tells WebMD. &#34;If someone isn't giving you what you want, think about what you are doing. It's not working. What can you do instead? Have a dialogue ... Instead of saying what you don't like, say what you would prefer. Give alternatives.&#34;
Remember to balance any criticisms with a heavy dose of positive feedback. When making a request that could be seen as nagging, take the edge off by expressing appreciation for your partner's good qualities. &#34;Give 20 positives whenever you want to ask for a change,&#34; Wachs says. Your partner will be more motivated to please you if he or she feels appreciated.
Spend More Time Together
You've probably heard the idea before -- make dates and keep them. Putting couple time on your calendar reinforces your sense of dedication to each other. &#34;Couples benefit when they feel commitment,&#34; Peter A. Wish, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Don't Stop at Green Lights: Every Woman's Guide to Taking Charge of Her Life and Fulfilling Her Dreams, tells WebMD. &#34;Make these private times special by not including others.&#34;
But don't make the mistake of limiting your interaction to designated couple time. Try to enjoy each other's company for at least a few minutes every day, especially first thing in the morning, at the end of the workday and right before bed. &#34;At those times talk about positive things,&#34; Wachs says. &#34;It makes a big impression.&#34; Make a special point of greeting each other at the end of the workday. If you're home first, stop what you're doing when your partner arrives and spend a moment together. &#34;Act like [he or she] is important,&#34; Wachs advises, &#34;not just the postman stopping by with the mail.&#34;
Touch More Often
Physical communication is as important as emotional communication in a relationship. It relieves tension and shows your partner that you care. &#34;Physically being in contact with your partner breaks through a lot of ice,&#34; Wachs says. &#34;Go out of your way to kiss and hug during the day. Always sleep together in the same bed. Just assume you're going to have sex every night. ... It's hard to fight if you're having great sex.&#34;Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Peter Hill</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Rules to Live and Love By]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/789/Rules-to-Live-and-Love-By.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
There is potential for soul mate love all around us at every moment. It is a matter of recognizing the connection, sensing the &#34;charge&#34; of energy, and then cultivating a relationship that will take us beyond our present limitations. 
Whether single, married, or somewhere in between, we can begin practicing masterful waysof relating with whomever stands before us, and in this way, we become better and more enlightened human beings. We can become the love we want to find; we can source it from within.
Kathy Freston, author of The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love,&#160;shares her top five rules for finding true love.
Seeing your partner through the lens of love rather than fear automatically elevates the relationship to a higher plane. When you can get quiet and note when you are projecting fear, you can make the adjustment to see through a different filter. So often we feel indignant or incensed, but upon closer inspection we will find that we are really afraid. Once we assume our partner's core goodness rather than focusing on their &#34;guilt,&#34; they will be more free to show us their best, which accelerates the process of shifting our perspective from one of blame and anxiety to one of acceptance and peace.
Being willing to forgive yourself and your partner, and to make amends when necessary is an ongoing process of cleanup. We all make mistakes; it's human. But when we hold fast to a grudge it eats away at our sense of peace and serenity. If you aren't willing to forgive, you might ask yourself what habit of ego you're attached to. Do you want to continue life with unresolved issues hanging over you?
When we take a stand and refuse to let go of something, we can always find evidence to justify it. Or we can try to make peace. Instead of blaming or making excuses, we can clean things up and move forward. This is not an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional situation, but an opportunity to see innocence. Once we do that, we gain&#8212;or give&#8212;freedom to move out of a &#34;stuck&#34; place.
Relaxing when times get tough; assuming that &#34;this too shall pass&#34; allows you to roll with the punches. If you know things will inevitably arise to challenge you, you can be more detached when they do. Problems become worse when we dig in our heels and try to force a solution. By relaxing into whatever struggle arises, we remain flexible and open to inspiration and insight.
Even if you have a hard time letting go, you can at least observe yourself taking things very seriously, which in itself helps to detach you from the experience of anxiety. Whatever is happening now won't be happening a year from now, so just keep breathing through the situation and see if you can take things a little less seriously.
Seeing in the dynamic of the relationship the reflection of what you need to learn helps bring you back to what is important. Sometimes we get lost in the chatter of day-to-day patterns and lose sight of the soul's mandate to bring us closer to realizing our Oneness. The best way to see where we need to work on things is to observe who we are and what we do within the context of a relationship. Any time you recognize your impulse to create distance rather than intimacy, you can make the adjustment and get back on track.
This relationship, as with all relationships, is part of a curriculum to evolve into our highest potential. We come to know ourselves by how we interact with our partner, and by so doing we come to know Spirit.
When you don't know how to handle a problem, pray and meditate, surrendering the decisions to Spirit. Praying and meditating aligns your limited energy with that which is all-powerful. Of course we don&#8217;t have all the answers, but by consigning our limitations to our Higher Power, our burden is lifted. We need to be accountable for our words and actions and be willing to work through where we are stuck. We need to stay present and forgive. Beyond that, our creative power is fueled by Spirit. By praying, we ask for help and guidance; by meditating we clear our minds so that the answer will become apparent. By moving aside, we create an opening for God to work miracles in ways we could never imagine.Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Michelle Ryan</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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					  <title><![CDATA[Breakup Survival May Not Be So Hard]]></title>
					  <link>http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/articles/blogs/788/Breakup-Survival-May-Not-Be-So-Hard.html</link>
					  <description><![CDATA[
Surviving a breakup is easier than you think, according to a new study.
Breaking up can be hard to do, just as the song suggests. But forget all that other stuff promoted by country music -- moping around for months, devouring tons of chocolate, becoming a hermit and whining that you'll never find love again.
Turns out, ending a romantic relationship is more like ripping off a bandage than enduring months of a terrible stomachache, at least for most people. The problem is, most of us grossly overestimate how bad a breakup will be and how long it will affect us, say Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel, both psychology researchers at Northwestern University who co-authored the new study.
&#34;People seem to be very poor at predicting what their emotional responses will be,&#34; says Finkel, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology.&#160; He and Eastwick, a graduate student in psychology, found that breakups are not nearly as difficult as people imagine.
&#34;We're not trying to say that breakups are this wonderful, happy experience,&#34; says Eastwick. &#34;They are distressing. People do report an elevation in their level of stress and distress. But when you ask people to predict how bad it is going to be, they systematically think it is worse [than it turns out to be].&#34;
Surviving a Breakup
Eastwick and Finkel asked 69 Northwestern University students, all freshmen who had been in a dating relationship for two months or longer, to take part in the study. The participants answered questions about their relationship, such as how much in love they felt and how badly they would feel if it ended. Then, they completed biweekly questionnaires online, reporting whether they were still dating the person.
Eventually, the research focused on the 26 participants, including 16 men and 10 women, whose romantic relationships ended during the first six months of the study. On average, they had dated for 14 months at the beginning of the study.
If the relationship had ended, they answered questions about their distress level over the next three months. The researchers compared the predicted distress with actual distress at four different time points after the breakup.
Overall, the students predicted a much bleaker picture about surviving a breakup than what emerged, Finkel and Eastwick found. No gender differences were found in the mistaken predictions.
Especially likely to predict doom-and-gloom were those who had reported being greatly in love with their partner, those who didn&#8217;t initiate the split, and those who said they wouldn't be likely to start a new relationship soon if the current one ended.
&#34;People who were more in love with their partner were indeed a little more distressed after the breakup,&#34; says Finkel. &#34;But they dramatically overestimated how distressed they would be [later].&#34;
After the initial distress over the breakup, most felt better pretty quickly, the researchers say. &#8220;Our first assessment was approximately one week after the breakup,&#8217;&#8217; Finkel says, &#8220;and the forecasting error [that they would feel distressed] was already apparent that soon after the breakup.&#8221;
&#8220;Participants were basically back to &#8216;normal&#8217; -- their pre-breakup level of happiness -- at about the two-month mark,&#8221; Eastwick tells WebMD. &#8220;That&#8217;s on average, of course.&#8221;
The study is published in the Aug. 20 online issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
Overestimating the Distress
How to explain the findings that surviving a breakup is easier than most people think it will be?
&#34;People don&#8217;t know how resilient they are,&#34; Eastwick says.
It may be natural to over-predict distress right at the time of the breakup, says Eastwick, because &#34;maybe when you are making those predictions, you are thinking about all the awful things [of not being in a relationship.]&#34;
Soon after the split, however, the person may begin to think about good things that are happening or good things about being single, the researchers say. For instance, the students might look forward to going home at the end of the quarter and seeing old friends or of not having to coordinate schedules. Or it could dawn on them that they may meet someone new to date.
This tendency to over-predict distress, the co-authors say, has been found in other situations, both positive and negative. For instance, people facing surgery have been shown to predict the event as causing greater distress than what actually occurs. People have been found in other studies to over-predict the positive effects of situations such as winning money.
While none of the study participants were married, Finkel says, &#34;We are reasonably confident these results will generalize to marriage.&#34;&#160;
He adds: &#34;We aren't saying a two-month relationship and a marriage [breaking up] are equally distressing.&#34; The error in forecasting how bad things will be is what will probably be similar, he says.
Bouncing Back From a Breakup
The new research ties in to previous studies finding that most people don't realize how much they will bounce back after a distressing event, says Dan Ariely, PhD, the Alfred P. Sloan Professor of Behavioral Economics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge.
&#34;When bad things happen, the future is not as gloomy as we think,&#34; he says. &#34;We often understand that over time we will be better. But we mis-predict how we will feel the day after. The mistake is the day after [the breakup], the immediate bias.&#34;
Turns out, the predictions of how bad it will be after a distressing event are almost always wrong, Ariely says. &#34;Almost at the moment it happens, [people] are much better than they think they will be.&#34;
The new research begs another intriguing question, Ariely says. &#34;What is this misguided prediction causing people to do? Is it causing people to stay in relationships longer [even if they are not ideal] because they think it will be awful to break up?&#34;Thanks to : Penis Pills]]></description>
					  <author>Linda Lewis</author>
					  <pubDate>Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 PDT</pubDate>
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